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Introduction
The Only Way Out Is Through . . .
In the beginning there were eight women. They came with secrets, things
they had never told anyone. One woman confided that she was in an abusive
relationship that led her to try to kill herself. Another, whose lover
had died precipitously, spoke of grieving so deeply she felt sure she
was
going crazy. Still another, married and depressed, disclosed her plan
to
attend her high school reunion after receiving a letter from an old lover.
Then there were eight triumphs, not the happily-ever-after kind, but
the experiences of mastery that became turning points in eight lives.
It
took years for the magic of each story to unfold. And in each case, both
of us, therapist and client, devoted the time to meet where it could happen,
at the threshold between the external, material world and the intangible
world of meaning that lies within.
What makes each woman's story special for me is that it never ended.
Long after the telling, bits and pieces of the tales continued to bubble
up
in my dreams and musings until they developed an existence of their
own. Ultimately they became some mixture of the woman's story, our
joint effort to expand her freedom within it, and the stories of others
caught in the same struggle. So the women you will get to know in this
book are both real and imaginary, history and myth.
For years I knew I had to write about the women but didn't, perhaps
because I couldn't yet understand why they were so important to me.
Finally I decided not to wait any longer, trusting that whatever there
was
to be known would emerge as I wrote. But how would I write about the
women? What form would I choose? I knew that the linear writing of
professional papers would miss much of what made these women distinctive,
and so I finally immersed myself in the multilayered nuance of
story. That's when I learned why these women were important to me:
they were all seeking wholeness. Every one of them was searching for
meaning beyond ordinary experience. To do so, they challenged social
convention, gender roles, and the limited nature of everyday thinking.
The narratives in Emotional Healing through Mindfulness Meditation
are teaching or learning stories (I actually prefer to call them healing
stories)
written in the tradition of Sufi or Zen tales. For this reason, they are
punctuated at points when the women had insights that shifted the ground
on which they stood, if only a millimeter or two. These insights led them
to make choices that freed them from patterned, habitual behavior and
moved them forward on their path toward wholeness. However, each
story is but one chapter in a woman's life. Will later chapters build
on
her triumphs? Will the healing ultimately hold? In an important sense,
these questions don't matter. What does matter is that at one time in
her
life, when she needed to, this woman found the courage to directly experience
trouble and all the emotions that came with it, and in the process,
she was transformed.
Times are good for those who seek wholeness. Teachers are a little
more accessible and knowledge from ancient healing traditions is increasingly
available. I, for one, have a growing sense of how the awareness
I learned to use in psychotherapy can, through the practice of Mindfulness
Meditation, emerge as a classical spiritual path. As these two
traditions meet, they are transforming each other-and us.
In this sense, Emotional Healing through Mindfulness Meditation
is a
contribution to the forty- or fifty-year-old conversation in the West
about
the relationship between Buddhist meditation and psychotherapy.1 In
another sense, this is a book about and for women, the consequence of
my longing to offer this half of the human race an affirming mirror to
see
the beauty and the creativity within. Finally, my deepest hope is that
any
human being-male or female-who is seeking wholeness will find it
useful.
THE PATH
The search for wholeness is essentially an individual effort, something
a
woman pursues in her dreams and musings and while she's washing the
dishes. Following the path takes great courage and considerable curiosity,
neither of which comes from psychotherapy or meditation; these
traditions are simply the context within which the effort takes place.
As
it turns out, courage and curiosity are qualities of the seeker herself.
The
woman brings them to the effort. And because she's at her growing edge,
life is out of the ordinary, creative, and once in a while, quite miraculous.
I was intrigued to realize that all eight women shared certain experiences
in their search for wholeness. For instance, every one of them
began her life as an outsider; whether because of race, class, or a quirk
of
mind, she didn't belong. It was an isolating experience that, from time
to
time, caused most of them to scream for relief. But this alone wasn't
enough to put them on the path toward wholeness.
All eight women were also in serious trouble when I met them; one
woman felt the alienation that comes with being labeled crazy, another
the despair that can accompany metastatic cancer. They came very close
to death's door or, symbolically, to the end of a phase of their lives.
This,
too, wasn't enough to set them on the path toward wholeness.
The women found the path only when they discovered the will, the
determination to meet their trouble head on. This commitment came
with a heavy price. If they wanted to truly live, they had to penetrate
the
inner turmoil that comes with trouble, be it shame, despair, or any one
of a number of difficult emotions. At the same time, they had no idea
where this would lead them.
When the women were ready, perhaps sufficiently loosened from
everyday thinking, they had experiences of insight, the ah-ha that emerges
from deep inside when things fit together and one transcends the paradoxical,
the ungraspable in life. These were experiences of holistic knowing.
Now the women had some hint of where the search would take them.
With time, the path offered gifts. Emotions that once raged became
quiet. The women felt at peace with themselves; they had more energy
for life. Talents emerged. Most intriguing, the women began to give back
to others the very gifts they had received. One woman offered it through
music, another through healing, and all had a greater capacity for compassion.
People were drawn to them; they were distinctive, extraordinary.
Slowly, in their own small ways, they related to others with the
kind of love that can bring peace to our world.
And I understood that, having learned how to navigate the path toward
wholeness, they would make it a way of life.
PSYCHOTHERAPY AND MINDFULNESS MEDITATION
Many different kinds of human journeys take place in the office of a
psychotherapist. Sometimes it's where people struggle with serious personal
problems such as mental illness or where healthy families try to
figure out how to raise healthy children. More rarely, the therapist finds
a seeker sitting before her. Then the challenge is to create a threshold
between the material world and the symbolic world wherein both therapist
and client can explore the unknown. The path is psychological and
spiritual, echoing the efforts of healers in other traditions and other
times.
It is also political, in the sense that it opens the doors of compassion,
and along with that comes a need to mend the world.
I used the tools of psychotherapy to help each woman explore her
story, touch feelings she may have denied or repressed, and name the
predominant themes or patterns that shaped her life. We also traced
the roots of those themes across generations. Then we worked with
her story until it was less driven by old patterns and more aligned with
who she wanted to be. Getting to know the emotions that drove the
old patterns, the women felt more grounded. In these ways, psychotherapy
offered each woman a way to lead the examined life.
Being a student of Buddhist Meditation, I also used this ancient discipline.
Sometimes a woman happened upon the meditative experience on
her own in the course of her suffering. I taught others the basics of
the
skill. And so they all eventually learned how to train the powerful microscope
that is meditation on the mind/body process, which means they
began to observe experience as encountered at "the six sense gates":
seeing,
hearing, touching, tasting, smelling, and, from this perspective, thinking.
Reflecting for a moment, it becomes apparent that all experience has
to come through these sense gates; without them, we cannot know the
world. Observing experience at the sense gates shifts the focus of attention
from outside us to inside us, from blame to the capacity to take responsibility
for our own thoughts and feelings and the effect they have
on others as well as ourselves.
Mindfulness Meditation, sometimes called Insight Meditation, is the
form I use in my work. It's the oldest form of Buddhist meditation. Having
emerged in India, it is currently practiced primarily in Southeast
Asia, including Myanmar, Thailand, and Sri Lanka. When compared to
Zen or Tibetan meditation, Mindfulness Meditation is the simplest, the
least bound by the formality of ritual. Remarkably, it's also a close
fit
with our postmodern way of thinking in which reality becomes multifaceted,
the self is composed of many and diverse parts, and knowledge
shifts across time and context.
As the practice is described by my teacher, Shinzen Young, mindfulness
is at the core. The word doesn't carry its ordinary meaning, which is
to be vigilant about one's behavior, but instead refers to the process
of
bringing clarity and precision to awareness. The more complete instruction
is to practice mindfulness with equanimity. Here, the definition of
equanimity doesn't mean being passive or sitting on some imaginary
mountaintop disengaged from the world. Instead, the word suggests the
curious, matter-of-fact stance of a participant-observer. To maintain
equanimity
with your imagination, for instance, is to be both in a fantasy and
out of it at the same time, an actor and an observer-not lost in the
experience but, instead, watching it.
Shinzen briefly sums up the entire Mindfulness Meditation this way:
Bringing mindfulness and equanimity to ordinary experience leads to insight.
The word insight has at least two distinct meanings. As used in psychotherapy,
it implies a surge of understanding into the personality. Uncovering
shame, for instance, can come with the insight that it is rooted in early
trauma rather than in a personal failing. As used in meditation, however,
insight suggests an awareness of the larger whole; for example, one might
get a glimpse into the is-ness of everything. From this perspective, there
is no good or bad, no right or wrong. God makes room for the sinner and
the saint.
The meditative tool for probing experience allows us to watch how
thoughts arise and then fade, how powerful emotions such as anger or
fear emerge and then subside. In this way we learn about the impermanence
of experience. At one and the same moment we have a sense of
the ever shifting, ephemeral nature of life and a more vibrant, deeper
knowledge of it.
MINDFULNESS PSYCHOTHERAPY
Over the past decade my work has slowly become a combination of psychotherapy
and mindfulness meditation. I call it Mindfulness Psychotherapy,
and I'm convinced that, for the Westerner, meeting the challenge
that trouble brings by using both methods is more powerful than
using either one alone. They fit together in many ways: both call for
greater awareness, and through it, a conscious, increasingly precise study
of the self; psychotherapy to enhance the self, meditation to let it go.
Both offer the possibility of creating oneself anew.
There are several steps to the Mindfulness Psychotherapy practice.
Each opens the door to a range of psychological and meditative awareness
practices. No component stands alone, nor do the steps come in
any particular order. Instead, they circle around each other in support
of
the total effort. Used collectively, they become a path toward wholeness.
Here's a brief summary.
Naming Trouble
The act of giving experience a name is much like cleaving the waters of
a deep and muddy river. What was a mystery suddenly becomes transparently
clear. For example, if you're living with a vague sense of disease
and somehow become aware that your marriage is floundering, you're
likely to be less confused, more focused.3 Naming gives you the opportunity
to think psychologically about when the problem began, who else is
involved, how it patterns behavior, and what effects it has on other parts
of your life. You can read about it, talk to friends, or join a support
group.
Our culture provides many opportunities for this exploration.
Naming the Emotions that Accompany Trouble
The truth is, trouble exists in the world. Even an illness or an addiction
is, to some degree, external to the self. On the other hand, emotions
exist inside us, in the feeling core of the body. The despair that can
arise
in a failing marriage or the fear that comes with a serious illness are
deeply felt, internal responses to trouble. Because they go so deep, they
can be nebulous and hard to distinguish. Naming these emotions, even
if it is painful, produces a more authentic, genuine response to life.
In
the act of naming an emotion, what was a vague sense of disquiet that
led
nowhere, or a surge of anger that was instantly transformed into destructive
behavior, becomes a pathway toward greater self-awareness. There are
many ways of increasing your awareness of emotions. As you will see,
Mindfulness Psychotherapy makes use of the relationship between the
therapist and the client, using the meditative lens to focus on feelings
in
the body.
Cultivating Complete Acceptance
It's possible to name a problem but still continue to resist it-perhaps
by
drinking too much or by blaming others. Completely accepting the reality
or the is-ness of an unhappy marriage, for example, means you know
fully, deeply, that it exists. And completely accepting the is-ness of
the
anger you feel toward a partner means you sense the depth of the emotion.
This acceptance doesn't necessarily imply expressing the anger or
leaving the marriage. Nor does it imply suffering in silence.
Developing Equanimity
The word equanimity means that the emotions are in balance. This state
of being can be seen in the matter-of-factness, the patience, and the
capacity to suspend judgment that the scientist manifests when doing
an experiment. In everyday life, equanimity gives us the freedom to know
experience as it is-not as it's supposed to be. This same matter-of-factness
allows us to accept the reality or the is-ness of trouble and the emotions
that accompany it. As such, it goes a long way toward diminishing the
suffering that comes with trouble. Equanimity is a skill that can be learned.
We will focus on developing it in every one of these components that
make up Mindfulness Psychotherapy.
Exploring the Mind/Body Process through Awareness
This meditative process begins as you hold trouble (perhaps a failing
marriage) in your own two hands, look deeply inside yourself, and use
your awareness to question what is going on. The first set of questions
has to do with body sensations. What exactly is your body telling you
about living in this marriage? For instance: Are my muscles tight enough
to be a suit of armor? Are there flutters in my abdomen? Do I feel like
crying?
Don't try to change those body sensations. Instead, just feel.
A second set of questions has to do with the mind. Once again, hold
the marriage in your two hands and ask questions such as Am I blaming
my partner? Am I blaming myself? Is it hard to think about my marriage?
Do I prefer to think about work or daydream about a vacation? Do I, instead,
turn on the TV?
Don't try to stop the mind. Instead, just listen.
Finally, hold the marriage in your two hands and observe the way
you see it in night dreams, in daydreams, or, more generally, in your
imagination. Do these images reflect your sadness? Are they angry? Are
they frightening?
Don't try to do anything with the images. Instead, just watch.
As you will see, awareness leads to exquisitely clear observations of
the mind/body process. With practice, and as your equanimity increases,
the insights that heal are more likely to emerge.
Forming an Observing Self
Over time, you can develop the capacity observe the self during everyday
life. While waiting for a bus or cooking a meal, you can listen to how
you think, feel body sensations as they arise, and watch your dreams and
fantasies. As awareness increases, this observing self grows increasingly
knowledgeable and wise. What you will learn is that healing takes place
repeatedly in different ways and at many moments as you move through
the years.
Practicing Compassion
This path teaches that healing requires compassion-for yourself and
for others. As you explore your own trouble and the emotions that accompany
it, you're likely to realize that you're not too different from
everyone else; each of us has our own particular form of trouble, along
with our own particular form of suffering. Insight into the poignancy
of
the human condition leads to the development of compassion. We can
help this natural process by nurturing the seeds of generosity and loving
kindness that lie within us all. Practically speaking, this suggests the
importance of self care, which includes eating healthy food, sleeping
well, and getting sufficient exercise. It means congratulating yourself
when you succeed at catching a glimpse of the mind/body process or
find a degree of equanimity. And it advises affirming yourself if you
feel
compassion for yourself or anyone else on this troubled earth.
As you will see when you read the stories in this book, Mindfulness
Psychotherapy can lead to a radical shift in one's relationship to life.
The
quest, which often begins as an attempt to get free from trouble, becomes
a more expansive search for wholeness. When the doors of perception
are unlocked, compassion enters. This is the love that embraces
the lame and the whole, the disfigured and the beautiful. It's the love
that leads toward peace.
THE DESIGN OF THE BOOK
Each chapter begins with a story-a woman's story, told in her own
voice-which is followed by some thoughts about the journey both the
woman and I took during the course of her therapy. In the first story,
for
instance, Tanya's capacity to manage terrible loss increased dramatically
when she learned to live in the stillness that came with her suffering.
For
me, the challenge was holding the space for Tanya to grieve deeply. That
wasn't easy, because I feared she would lose heart and move into a deep
depression. Staying with her as she grieved demanded that I place my
trust in the power of the healing relationship.
In another story, Kate's capacity to leave her abusive husband was
made possible by an insight into the anger she carried around as a knot
in her body. As she explored this reaction to her trouble, she learned
an
important truth: The body holds a certain wisdom that is grounding
even as we go through great turmoil. And I discovered how to be with
her even as she felt the rage that almost killed her.
In still another story, Nancy faced mental illness and almost died as
a result. Ultimately she came to believe in herself and so emerged as
a
healer. Manifesting this archetype, she helped many women seek wholeness.
The challenge for me was to remain grounded in the difference
between mental illness and a spiritual awareness of that which others
cannot see or hear.
These women are not very different from the rest of us. The troubles
they faced are archetypal; in one way or another, we all struggle with
them, whether in the form of the loss of a loved one, serious illness,
or
problems at work. And all these troubles come with difficult emotions.
As you will see, the women learned how to use Mindfulness Meditation
to heal them.
Each chapter ends with an opportunity for you, the reader, to have a
direct experience of Mindfulness Meditation. The nine meditations in
this book are designed to introduce you to the basics of a mindfulness
practice and to teach you a way to heal emotions from troubles of your
own. Many begin with an exercise that can help you settle in and also
increase your capacity to concentrate. The meditations are progressively
more challenging. You must decide how best to work with them. I'd
suggest that if you're a beginner, you do each meditation as you read
the
book. After you have a sense of their progression, you can return to
those that speak to you. However, if a particular meditation doesn't hold
your attention, or if it's particularly disturbing, let it go. Perhaps
you'll
be ready to try it again after you've strengthened your meditative muscle.
After all, there's time. Meditation is a lifelong practice that is ever
deepening
and never finished.
I am deeply indebted to Shinzen Young for the clarity and precision
with which he teaches Mindfulness Meditation. The meditations in Emotional
Healing through Mindfulness Meditation are based on those he
teaches.
Learning meditation takes strong motivation, good instruction, and
regular practice. Combining it with some form of psychotherapy, you
can discover a deep-seated openness and acceptance of life. As you let
go
of the limiting conditions of the past, consciousness becomes purified
and your personality begins to flow, like a wheel that has been well oiled.
Please remember that meditation is not easy. It is not a quick fix. If
you practice for a half hour each day over several weeks, however, you
can begin to experience the centeredness it offers. If you would like
to
hear, rather than read, the instructions, the compact disc included with
this book offers the the meditations from chapters 1, 2, 3, and 5. You
may choose to listen to the CD rather than reading the meditation instructions
at the end of these chapters.
Mindfulness Psychotherapy is but one eddy in a powerful current
moving through the helping professions at this time, a converging of the
scientific and spiritual streams. If this surge of interest in the spiritual
isn't engulfed by the more powerful materialist forces in our culture,
the
helping professions may very well teach us how to temper the individualism
that results in loneliness with the holism that brings love and compassion.
Emotional Healing through Mindfulness Meditation is an effort to
understand how we can swim within this current, in the process bringing
peace wherever it takes us in this world.
